The 36 Desire Blocks, and why you’re not broken.
My dear, you’re not broken if you’re not craving sex and aren’t magically soaking wet. Here are 35 valid reasons why you actually shouldn’t want sex, and why you not wanting sex is 100% normal:
Resentment: Unresolved grudges create emotional distance, blocking intimacy. They build up over time and get in bed with you—no one’s perfect, and it’s normal!
Trauma: Many women have experienced some form of sexual trauma. If sex becomes synonymous with trauma and pain, why would we want it? Our mind is designed to protect us, so it does its job by rejecting what has hurt us.
Ancestral Trauma: Historical abuse—being used as baby-making machines, raped, treated as property, or used in war to control the enemy—has left deep, generational scars. The trauma is real. Having our No honored is many of our ancestors’ wishes.
Shame: We all feel some level of sexual shame, and it can prevent you from exploring and embracing your desires. If you judge your fantasies and block your true desires, of course, sex won’t be so exciting.
Body Shame: Feeling ashamed of your body can prevent you from fully experiencing sexual pleasure. Most of us also feel body shame, thanks to media influence and societal conditioning. If you dislike your body, how can you open up in bed, naked, vulnerable, and fully receive his attention?
Guilt: Feeling guilty for not wanting sex doesn’t help us get into it. Since men often want it right away—and even a slightly sexy look can get them aroused—it’s normal to compare ourselves and feel guilty for not giving them the sex they want.
Fears: We’re afraid of being judged as whores if we enjoy sex, we’re afraid of doing it wrong, we’re afraid of being hurt again, etc. Sex comes with so many fears, and it’s 100% natural to avoid what feels scary.
People-Pleasing: Focusing on pleasing others often leaves your desires unmet, leading to disconnection and dissatisfaction. Most women are trained to be nice and to please, so it’s 100% normal that if we give sex just to please, at some point, we’ll reject sex altogether and even weaponize it to try to get our needs met.
Frustrations Over Unmet Needs: Sometimes, it can feel like men don’t get us, or don’t truly care. Sadly, we weren’t shown how to ask for what we need, which can lead to blame, criticism, and partners feeling inadequate and withdrawing, which only leads to more frustration. Not so exciting!
Lack of Natural Attraction: Sometimes, there’s simply no natural chemistry—whether due to body shape, scent, personality, or other factors—and that’s perfectly okay. Our hormones shift, life changes, and so does our attraction.
Erotic Mismatch: You may not like the same type of sex, share the same kinks, or approach intimacy in similar ways. This mismatch can seriously prevent the current of desire from flowing—and that’s also okay!
Feeling Depleted: When you’re overgiving, you deplete yourself and feel exhausted by the end of the day. We weren’t taught how to ask for help properly, and we often saw our mothers acting as martyrs.
Pressure of Performance: Expecting sex to be fun and easy creates anxiety, making it hard to relax and enjoy. With the influence of porn and our performance culture, pressure is always lurking, and pressure kills pleasure.
Lack of Financial Provision: Your body needs to feel safe and provided for before it can fully relax into the risks of having sex—especially when there's the potential for pregnancy. Financial security plays a crucial role in creating that sense of safety.
Lack of Commitment: Feeling safe is foundational to intimacy. In a fluid dating world where some men struggle to commit, it's completely normal not to feel safe enough to surrender your body when commitment is lacking.
Lack of Communication: We were never taught how to express vulnerability or safely ask for what we need or desire. Naturally, that leads to unsatisfying sex and makes it less exciting to try again.
Lack of Trust: Most of us tell little lies every day—it’s a fact. Without truth, there’s no deep trust or sense of safety, both of which are essential for the female body to relax and open up to pleasure.
Religious Conditioning: Strict religious teachings about sex can instill feelings of guilt or conflict around your own desires. If you've grown up with these messages, it's 100% normal to struggle with fully embracing your sexuality.
Lack of Education or Practice: No one taught us well about sex. How are we supposed to be good at something we were never properly shown how to do?
Lack of Awareness of Pleasure: It’s hard to truly explore your sexuality when the early messages told you it was dirty—or that you’d be a slut for really liking it. Of course, we don’t fully know what we like and as such, can’t fully love it.
Controlling Tendencies: In the absence of a strong masculine presence, our subconscious often compensates by seeking control. But since pleasure happens in surrender, it makes sense that it’s hard to let go in bed and feel wild pleasure.
Redundancy: Sticking to routine dulls excitement and erodes sexual novelty. It wouldn’t make sense to be excited about having the same kind of sex over and over again—just like eating pizza every day for a year isn’t so exciting.
Kids: Parenting responsibilities can leave you exhausted and short on time, naturally pushing your own sexual desire to the back burner. It’s completely normal to feel that intimacy takes a back seat when you're busy caring for little ones.
Busy Schedule: A hectic routine filled with work, family obligations, and endless tasks can leave little room for intimacy. It’s perfectly natural for your sexual desire to be sidelined when every minute counts.
Cluttered Environment: Life gets busy, and our spaces don’t always look like a Tantric temple. We feel sexier in a nice hotel room—and that’s normal!
Screen Time: We’re all on screens all day long; we’re distracted and even addicted—and yes, that takes away from intimacy. Phones are fun and always have something entertaining to show us, while human beings can be unpredictable, triggering, and not always present. It’s normal to love our phones; they’re designed to be addicting.
Financial Stress: Constant worries about money, bills, or economic security can sap your energy and mental space. When financial concerns take center stage, it’s completely normal for your sexual desire to take a back seat.
Natural Hormonal Fluctuations: Our food system is filled with hormones and endocrine disruptors that can create imbalances leading to low libido.
Hormonal Contraceptives: Many women use birth control methods that can lower libido as a side effect. It’s not a personal failing—it’s just how your body reacts, and that’s completely normal.
Time in Your Cycle: Your hormones fluctuate—remember, you’re a cyclical being. You’re built to crave sex around ovulation, not all the time. It’s great to explore pleasure, but don’t shame yourself if your body sometimes needs rest and cuddles.
Chronic Health Conditions: Living with ongoing pain or chronic illnesses can naturally lower your sexual desire. Your body may be conserving energy or reacting to discomfort—and that’s a completely normal response.
Medication Side Effects: Many common medications—such as certain antidepressants, blood pressure drugs, or other prescriptions—can reduce libido. If you suspect your medication is impacting your desire, know that it’s not a personal failing; it’s just another factor that many women experience.
Mental Health: Anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges can drain your desire, making intimacy feel like just another chore. When your mind is overwhelmed, prioritizing your well-being is essential—and it’s 100% normal for sexual desire to take a back seat.
Risks: Concerns about sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, and even historical risks like childbirth (once the leading cause of death for women) remind us that saying no is sometimes the safest option. The risks are real, and it’s natural not to always want sex.
Stress: Chronic stress raises cortisol, lowering arousal and blocking desire. Our hustle culture generates daily stressors, so it’s no wonder that sexual desire dips.
Fatigue: We’re busy, tired, and work hard—so of course, desire drops when we’re exhausted.
You see it now? It’s normal you don’t want to have sex, but it doesn’t make it okay, because you deserve pleasure, and it all starts with desire. Reach out when you’re ready to unblock desire: hi@audeolivia.com
